The Chemical Atlas

Digital Dossier 05

Tarnished Reputations

“He-llo trideo viewers! I’m Archibald Personna 5.7, your fav-o-rite holo-host, and you’re
lucky enough to be tuning in for Lifestyles of the Mega Rich & Filthy (LotMFR is a trademark of Panda Entertainment, a proud subsidiary of Horizon). Today’s episode is sponsored by DeBeers-Omnitech patented Killer Krill Dogs, which you can buy now in three new EmotiFlavours! Try aTropical Breeze dog today!

“But enough foreplay: let’s get down to today’s mega, filthy business. Tonight we’re
zooming in on one of the hottest names in the heavy metal freakshow scene; the California Free State’s very own wayward children, Witchhammer. We’ve all seen the hype, but tonight we’re going to get a rare chance to peer below some of the face paint and war cries to see the creative, beautiful, and terrifying minds behind one of the hottest bands in North America today.

“Witchhammer hit the scene back in ’62 with their hit single “Power Hour” from their
first, self-titled album. Their rise on the charts was nothing short of breathtaking, and for a band without megacorporate sponsorship, it was unheard of at the time. Frankly, it still is (snort).”

{Edit: cut to studio interview with David Mitchell of Hologasm}

“Oh wow… Witchhammer. Those guys came outta nowhere. I mean really, when they
played that concert in Oakland before the Pueblo got involved there, they flew that big fuck-off church over the block and blew away the old hospital there. Watching them jet pack onto the ruins was like watching demons descend from the Heavens, you know? Then they broke into a wonderful metal version of ‘Sargent Pepper.’ (Laughs) At the time, all I could think was ‘Oh man, these guys are just another Beatles cover band. I’ve been screwed out of 50 nuyen!’ Little did I know I was watching history unfold.”

{Edit, cut to Archibald superimposed on footage of the ruined building. Flowers and
wreathes are everywhere, along with little statues of the band members and thousands of candles}

“This is the very building where Witchhammer performed their first concert, and as you
can see, it’s not only never been rebuilt, but it’s become something of a holy place for
Witchhammer fans. Everyday, an estimated 3 to 5 hundred people come here to pray to the
members of Witchhammer for everything from guidance, to helping them with addictions, to
revenge for lost loved ones. Some of the more fanatical fans even come here to flagellate
themselves.” Perceptive members of the Shadow Media scene will recognize the nominal leader of Shatterstorm giving the camera the finger.

{Edit, switch to music store: prominent wall dedicated to Witchammer album ARO art

“Since this concert, rival bands and private armies alike have fallen to the unique
combination of heavy metal, black magic, and military grade munitions. Since ’62, they’ve put out a prodigious 10 albums in 8 years, but because of their colourful history of aggression and international incidents, not a single one of them has been nominated for an award of any kind.”

{Edit, cut to studio interview with Space Commander Cuntalicious Frootdood and Itty
Bitty, both of Two Ton Wanker}

SPCF: “You gotta-hanashimasu about a band that puts their nuyen where their dick
IB: “Yea.”
SPCF: “Gotta talk ‘bout Witchhammer, neh!”
IB: “Yea.”
SPCF: “I got nothing but respect, you feel me, cause we do our god damn ichiban to
practice what we preach, neh, but these frosty froods totteru what they fuckin’ do…”
IB: “Yea.”
SPCF: “… and that’s be knowing doko de they taoru desu! That’s, like, for real, wakarimasu
IB: “Yea.”

{Cut to Archibald 5.7 in front of AR displays of the band members back in music store}

“We’ve heard from musicians on Witchhammer, but what about government officials?
How do law abiding citizens feel about the awesome terror that these five freaks represent in thevworld at large?”

{Cut to Captain Holstein, Knight Errant Seattle Division}

“There’s no way to sugar coat it: Witchhammer is a threat to society and decency at large.
Their music is garbage. Besides, nobody plays the oldies like Type O Negative like they used to back in the day. Kids today don’t know anything about metal, and meatheads like these guys are just teaching kids that the power of metal lies in stronger drugs and public vandalism. It’s so much more than that.”

{Cut to Lieutennant Morimoto, California Protectorate}

(Translated from Japanese) “Witchhammer are dirty. Do you hear me? Dirty! Don’t listen
to them! They will destroy you, and if they show their faces in the Bay again, the Protectorate will do the unfortunate business to protect the purity of happy citizens. (Points at the camera) Shame, Witchhammer.”

{Back to Archibald in the music store}

“Ouch. Musicians respect them. Government and law enforcement hate them. Fans
literally worship them. But what do Witchhammer have to say about that? In an exclusive
interview, we here at Lifestyles of the Mega, Filthy Rich (tm Panda Entertainment of Horizon) got to fly a reporter, the intrepid Sly Micro McAlister, to their private fortress-like home hidden deep in the Big Sur. Let’s see what he found out.”

{Camera cuts to Sly Micro, a bulbous man in a black button up shirt, a red mohawk, and
emotive cybereyes.}

“Sly Micro here, hanging out at-location with Witchhammer in their secret base
somewhere in the Big Sur.”

{Camera expands to show the members of Witchhammer, each sitting on a throne}

“First, Inquisitor, tell me, now that you’ve been so long at number one on the charts, do
you think you can keep up the momentum?”

“Well,” answers Inquisitor, wearing a heavy red robe under a chainmail shirt. His voice is
soft as a kitten. “There’s some real competition coming out of the woodwork these days. Look at the Juicyfruits. Those guys are rocking out and stirring up hornets nests all over the NAN. Hell, they even got an exclusive concert or something with the Drake Foundation. We haven’t even had that kind of priviledge, and these guys are brand new.”

{Sly theatrically spreads his hands}

“The Juicyfruits? Who are those guys?” The more perceptive members of the audience will
realize the backdrop behind Sly Micro is superimposed. He’s not in the studio with the band at all.

“The Juicyfruits,” says Demon Lips, “those guys are up-and-comers, and if you like your
media from the shadows, you’ll keep an eye on these guys for sure.”

“Interesting,” says Sly. “Would you say these guys are capable of causing the same level of
mayhem as you guys?”

“Oh definitely,” replies Only-She-Whispers, “but I think fans will find they don’t have
what it takes to hold the reigns indefinitely. Intrepid readers will recall,” she says, suggestively stroking a tendril coming from the head of a massive manifested beast spirit behind her, “In ‘Roses For Rotting Angels’ Frankenbastard foretold the coming of the Juicyfruits when he re-wrote that Hamlet bit to be about sodomy and Aztec accountants.”

{Surprised expression} “I had no idea. Enough about these guys, though, tell me about the new charity that you guys started for breast cancer…”

{the interview continues with enough filler to last another hour}


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